


An Envoy of Satan

by jujitsuelf



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers (Comic), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Cougar's a grumpy kitty, Dentists, M/M, Phobias
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 21:36:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf/pseuds/jujitsuelf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cougar has toothache - and he hates the dentist with a passion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Envoy of Satan

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer – All publicly recognizable characters, settings etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended
> 
> ****
> 
> Believe it or not, this came to me as I was in the dentist's chair 2 days ago, while the lovely lady drilled a hole in my tooth!

“Not going.”

“Come on, Cougs, if you leave it, it’ll only get worse.”

“Fuck off.”

“Cougs. I am using my ‘mom’ tone. Open the door. Now.”

A stony silence met Jensen’s words. He sighed and banged his forehead on the flimsy door in front of him.

Cougar was a brave man. There were very few things in the world which rattled him. Granted he didn’t like tarantulas or black mambas but in Jake’s opinion, it was sensible to be scared of things with too many legs and poisonous fangs.

But everyone had hidden phobias, that much Jake knew for sure. Clay didn’t care for clowns, reasonable enough, clowns were terrifying. Pooch hated scorpions with a vengeance but that came from a harrowing experience years back. He still twitched when anyone mentioned it. Roque, for some reason known only to him, really didn’t like scarecrows. Jensen had often tried to question him about it but the last time, Roque had pointed a knife at his groin and threatened to send him back to Cougar sans balls if he didn’t shut up. Jensen knew when to beat a strategic retreat.

Cougar’s phobias had remained well and truly hidden, even from Jake until two days ago. Stamping into the kitchen with a grumpy look on his face and a bottle of aspirin in his hand, Cougar had rubbed at his jaw and winced.

“Toothache?” Jensen had enquired innocently.

“No,” Cougar growled in reply, then winced again.

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m fine.”

“Go to the dentist.”

Cougar actually went pale. Never in all their years together had Jake seen the blood literally drain from the other man’s face.

“No,” Cougar had snarled and all but fled from the kitchen.

Two days later Jensen was still trying to convince Cougs that the dentist wasn’t actually an envoy of Satan.

“Cougs, if you leave that tooth, it’ll get worse and maybe infected and then you’ll probably end up in the emergency room with a toothache which’ll make us all wish we were dead.”

Cougar didn’t suffer particularly well, if he was in pain, everyone knew about it and shared his misery. Jensen had seen him in foul moods about gunshots and common colds and had no wish to withstand the storm which would doubtless come with a root canal.

“You can’t hide in there forever.” He warned as he turned away from the bathroom door.

“Watch me.”

****

“Okay, Operation Novocaine is a go.” Clay placed both hands flat on the kitchen table. “How do we get Cougar out of the damn bathroom?”

“C-4?” Pooch suggested gloomily. “C’mon, Clay, short of a full scale war, nothing’s going to move him.”

“Tranq gun?” Roque said.

Everyone ignored him.

“We could storm the bathroom and grab him,” Jensen said. “Duct tape might work, that way he can’t escape as we throw him in the back of the car and drive him to the dentist.”

“I’m sure it should worry me that you’re willing to sell out someone you’re sleeping with quite so easily,” Pooch said.

Jensen looked at him. “Do you want to put up with a kitty with a sore tooth?”

“Screwed up analogy but you’re right,” Pooch admitted. “I remember the last time he had flu.” They all shuddered.

“So, duct tape and brute force it is,” Clay sounded positively cheerful about the matter. “Who’s first through the bathroom door?”

Three pairs of eyes rested on Jensen. He sighed and dropped his face into his hands.

****

“Like a ninja, like a ninja, like a ninja,” Jensen whispered to himself as he climbed the stairs.

He wasn’t deluding himself by thinking that capturing Cougar would be easy. When cornered, Cougs tended to turn feral and took on everyone, friend and foe alike. Jake did kind of dare to hope that Cougar would pull his punches a little, seeing as they were sharing a bed and everything. He hoped, but he didn’t honestly expect it.

Creeping toward the still closed bathroom door, Jensen took deep breaths, getting as much oxygen to his muscles as possible. Behind him, Clay stepped on a creaky floorboard and was furiously shushed by Pooch.

Jensen rested his ear against the thin wood. There was silence inside the bathroom. What was Cougar up to? Probably plotting his escape route, Jake decided. Glancing back, he saw that the others had reached the top of the stairs and were waiting for him to make a move. Pooch held up a huge roll of duct tape. Clay gave him a ‘go and do your duty, soldier’ nod and Roque rolled his eyes.

With one more big breath, Jake took a step back, paused, then slammed his boot against the flimsy wood. It didn’t say much for the quality of the house’s construction that the door instantly splintered and flew open. Not waiting to mentally berate the builders, Jake ran into the small room, ready to tackle a defensive, spitting Cougar.

The others were right behind him, crowding him forward. Cougar was near the bath, backing away, murder in his eyes.

“Don’t even think about it,” he growled.

“Now, Cougs, don’t be stupid,” Jensen held out both hands in an ‘I’m harmless’ gesture. “This doesn’t have to end in bloodshed.”

“Go away,” Cougar said, his eyes darting over Jake’s shoulder to Clay and the others. “It’s nothing, leave me alone.”

Jake didn’t reply, but darted forward, trying to wrap his arms over Cougar’s in a bear hug. He partially succeeded but Cougar was a wriggly bastard and was almost free in less than thirty seconds. His elbow caught Jensen a glancing blow to the cheek which left him momentarily stunned.

Cougar ran for the door, sidestepping Pooch but careening right into Clay. As he reeled backwards, Roque grabbed at Cougar’s left arm and pinned it behind him, Jake did the same for the right. Swearing under his breath, Pooch wrapped duct tape around the struggling sniper’s wrists.

“...fucking hate you all...” Cougar was snarling, in English and Spanish. He pulled at the duct tape but it held firm. “I’ll get you for this.”

“Whatever,” Clay said, rubbing his nose ruefully. “Move it.”

Cougar descended into sullen silence as they frogmarched him down the stairs and out to the car. Jake sat beside him in the back seat and bumped their shoulders together, wondering whether he’d ever be forgiven for this stunt. “Only trying to help, dude.”

Cougar gave him one of his patented, ‘ _are you fucking kidding me?_ ’ stares.

“The dentist isn’t so bad,” Jake tried again. “Plenty of anesthetic, a little sit in a nice comfy chair and it’s all over.” He smiled, showing off his own mercifully problem-free teeth.

Cougar growled again and looked out of the window. Jake sighed. He was officially sleeping on the sofa forever.

****

“It’s freaking me out, I don’t like it.”

“What do you want me to do about it?”

“Make him stop.”

“You want me to tell Cougar to stop being cheerful?”

Roque glared and folded his arms. “Yes.”

“Grow up,” Clay snapped. “At least we have access to the bathroom now.”

“A bathroom without a door,” Roque replied sourly.

“Hey, I said I’d replace that thing and I will!” Jensen yelled from the living room.

“Freaky tech hearing,” Roque muttered and wandered off to find a knife to sharpen.

Clay had to admit, since his enforced dentist visit, Cougar had been abnormally chipper. Apart from popping pain pills like they were going out of fashion, he was positively genial. He did briefly consider asking Cougar what had brought about the abrupt personality change but decided he valued his life too much. He’d leave that kind of foolish behavior to Jensen.

****

“So you feel better now?” Jake asked, watching Cougar undress. He was already in bed, sprawled across Cougar’s pillow and his own, taking up as much room as possible.

“Si,” Cougar nodded.

“How come we had to kidnap you in order to get you to the dentist?”

“Don’t like ‘em.”

“But they stopped the toothache?”

Cougar nodded again. “All gone. That tooth had been trouble for months, I was ignoring it.”

“Um,” Jensen looked down at the sheets. “Sorry we kidnapped you. I doubt many people arrive at the dentist in duct tape.”

The corners of Cougar’s mouth twitched. Jake figured that meant he was forgiven.

“’S’okay,” Cougar said, sliding into bed and elbowing Jake over to his proper side of the mattress. “Just don’t do it again.”

Jake laughed. “Hell, no, I like my limbs where they are. Seriously, dude, sorry. I figured it was better to get you there, even though you hate dentists, than to let you go on being Kitty McGrumpy Pants with a toothache.”

Cougar grunted.

“You forgive me?” Jake asked, needing to know everything was okay before he could rest.

“Si,” Cougar mumbled, his eyes already closed. “Shut up.”

Jake smiled. Cougar was still Kitty McGrumpy Pants, but at least now he didn’t have the toothache.


End file.
